Help
Sign In
beauty
June 2009 
My story
Anges
I felt like sharing some of my story that is very intimate and probably not very original but here you go. In my family circle I am silenced. There are things I cannot say.
My mother sexually abused me as a baby and then as a toddler. I am the only one who claims such a thing. I know she abused my brother too, I am not too sure about my sister. Neither of them remember anything. They live in the blissful ignorance of amnesia. As I did for a long time until I had my children.
Then I started to be haunted by flashbacks about her introducing things in me... hurting me as she changed my nappies... etc. I don't want to get too technical here because my point is not too upset anyone. I also had the strange compulsion to want to kick people whenever I tried to lie on a couch to have a bit of a relaxing time. My sex life is also affected too. Not as bad as it could be but really i could do with being freed from the whole experience.
No one will ever believe me if I dare to say what happened in my family. I already have the label of being the crazy one... and my mother protrays herself to others as the perfect mum: open, loving, etc. The fact of the matter is she is deeply mentally ill and I have forgotten her. The problems nowadays is that I am being judged by my siblings for keeping my children away from her and my Dad. I can't say why. In fact I have hinted without getting too much into details when my brother had children (much later than me - nearly ten years after me). I just said to him that it wasn't safe to leave his children in the care of my mother.
It is a common fact that "victims" of sexual abuse are silenced. Their credibiliy is tainted. One finds all kind of faults in them for either having attracted the problem in the first place or for making it up to attract attention. This is what I feel is awaiting me if I was to speak about what happened.
Instead I have moved abroad where I have started a new life. I am at a point in my life where I am able to look at this dark part of my life. I am still unsure whether these flashbacks are tricks of my imagination.... but when I find that my hands could be tempted to inappropriately touch my son when I change this nappy (which I would never dream of), then I can't denie it any longer.
Thank you for reading my story. It helps to take it out because keeping it in would take too much room in me. I don't want to be seen as a victim. I just am someone with a life experience. Many times in my childhood I wanted to die or leave my family. I was convinced I had been abandonned by my real family. Now I understand I was angry at my angel for allowing this to happen. But I also know I have chosen to incarnate in this family. And I also know why.
I am strong. I feel beautiful and this picture that I made last week in my art therapy class is the story of what I just said. I am glad I was finally able to gather the courage to talk about it and to put it in images.
I know that what she did to me, was done onto her. These things don't just appear out of thin air. I have a very sick family tree... I send it healing too. Thank God I am a healer. Or maybe it is because I am a healer that I was sent to this family to end a chain of misery.
My children have been sheltered from all this. I don't know when the time will be right for me to share my life experience with them. Maybe after the death of my mother...
Anyone has experienced anything similar who could give me some insight on how to handle this?
Namaste
Access: Public
Hello beautiful, healing friend. I recounted your pure, loving energetic reiki treatment on my shoulder and thigh to another energy worker and dear sister-friend this morning… It is incredible how we are ‘built’ equipped to sense the sufferings of others and help with them, in part because we have had our share of grimness ourselves. The Universe is so SO deep in what it brings to the table!
This morning, incidentally, I had a flashback again to my own youth when a female in my family was assaulting me similarly. It comes and goes; it doesn’t dominate my thoughts. But I assure you, it is a BIG reason for confusion about truthfulness in my family while growing up. It’s not the ‘done thing’ at all to talk about real issues and I can’t say if it’s covered up or simply not known by others in the family. This, of course, enhances the confusion…
I’ve never actually written about this myself. I’m certain that my ability to function over these years has been my survival mechanism choosing to shut things off while I grow into an ability to handle them, as is the case with so many of my more traumatic experiences including miscarriages, parental rejection & abandonment, personal attack by those persons ‘closest’ to my heart, etc. But they have definitely augmented my sensitivity to other people’s hardships on the personal front and have made me much more effective in easing that pain, by showing acceptance of their cause, of human existence.
In accepting them, I know I’ve accepted me and my weirdness, my difference, my deep desire to live in the Truth.
And I know I was ‘placed’ there, just like you, for that purpose. It all has a meaning as we know…
The handling? Let go and let God. Truth is coming out in places I’d never imagined possible, even in my family. I’m watching as baby steps are taken.
How I lived my life to date is actually part of this solution that I couldn’t dream of in my wildest rationalisations.
I fear there is much more to peek out in due time, as we all cleanse and purge both physically and spiritually; I sense I’ve got some tears to let out that I’ve repressed for over 30 years! And although I’m not looking forward to this, I sense it’s for this reason we speak of consistently, to help the whole wide world of ours, to move to its bigger place on this planet… starting first with our healing…
Finally, be energised with the vision, the sensation of bliss, as these old, mind burdens are totally lifted from you! That is the ‘thing’ that will hold your heart while the unconscious does its thing as well.
I truly hope this helps, love. You are lovely and so so honest. You’ve liberated me somewhat as well.
Let’s decide if we would like to keep this public or take it to a more private place for ‘managing’. I’m still not certain what is right in this regard…
Thanks friend.
Loads of loving respect!
Sherrilene
Anges~
I followed Sherri here this morning to read your story. I am deeply touched by your courage and inspired by your commitment to your own healing.
I especially like the part about breaking the chain. Many of us now are being given the opportunity to break family patterns that have evolved over generations. In the Native American traditions they refer to the 7 Generations. Mostly people think of how something affects going forward, but I also believe that when we heal, it goes backwards as well.
My best to you~ Janet
My deep respect for both you and Sherri, Ange, for the way you have dealt with this terrible violation.
I have a friend who went through something very similar. She went through years of therapy and much turmoil, but in the end found peace and fulfilment.
It is hard for any of us from outside your life to tell you, but in your heart, you know what is the right path for you to follow for your healing. Listen to your heart, dear ange, and pursue your wholeness. With much love!
It always saddens me to hear of others experiencing such an awful violation. As a child up into my teens years I was abused in this manner by many. My dad being the most painful of them all. There was an innocence taken from me that, to this day, sometimes can still fill me with anger. However, I realize that holding onto that is not the way to heal. I attended many counseling sessions with a group and one on one with a therapist which helped ALOT! I had the hardest time believing that I did NOT deserve that and that it wasn’t my fault. I don’t know if you have considered going to a therapist or not but it sounds as if you are on the right track regardless. By owning it and especially by talking about it makes a world of difference. Its sad but amazing how many people you find have had an experince with this. And what a shame that every one of us felt the need for silence. To suffer for years alone trying to make sense of it - afraid to speak a word.
A book I may suggest that helped is “Courage To Heal”. Maybe you know of it, own it, read it - I found it a tool to help me work through it as memories & feelings flooded in. Now that you have opened that gate things may come up when you least expect it, so be prepared for that.
The therapist I visited suggested that I may eventually want to talk to my abuser about what I remember and how it made me feel. Of course by the time I reached that point two of my abusers had died (dad & grandpa). Some, I just wouldn’t even know where they are. Nor would they people I cared to confront.
You are on the right path sweetie. Just keep on going. I truly believe it does take a lifetime to heal from something as delicate as this, unfortunately. But at least healing is taking place and we can grow from here.
Peace & Love to you my dear
Thank you Miss Jo for your considerate and loving entry on my Story. I feel real solace in knowing that my story is heard but even more by people who know what it’s like.
About confronting my mother… I can’t even imagine doing that. She is in such denial of everything. And it wouldn’t serve any purpose whatsoever. She read on the internet about me having been sexually abused and she asked me. But I refused to tell her. She looked at every male in the family as a possible suspect and it haunted her for months. She never even considered it could have been herself.
She is too damaged herself. She is deeply mentally ill. When all the child molesters’ stories started to come out in the mediaa couple of years back, she claimed high and loud that they should all be emasculated. She felt that strongly about it… I personally felt that they probably did this because they had been the victim of such crimes….
We were having a parallel discussion with Sherri on how much harm people do when they don’t want to look at their own problems and blame everyone else for theirs. She is that type of person. All I can do is send her love from a distance. I wouldn’t want to be in her shoes for the whole world.
I have considered going to see a therapist… but I have seen one for over fifteen years and I don’t really want to chew on it, if you know what I mean.
Thank you for trusting that I am on the right path. Should I tell my children about it? When? I have read a very interesting book called the Ancestor’s syndrome which claims that family secrets can hurt many generations under… I don’t want that for my chidren. So what do I do?
Blessings for your own healing journey, Miss Jo. Thanks for walking alongside with me.